Ep 1. The Jordan Diaries: Putting Myself First

You really do just decide on a random Tuesday to turn a corner in life;

leave behind all the bull shit & never look back.

But are you really deciding on that random Tuesday?

No. It's been accumulating for weeks, months, even years.

I have my life fairly together. Yes.

But a lesson I've been toying with a lot this year is putting myself first, or the lack thereof.

I didn't realize how much self-abandonment I was entertaining, truly.

& I think this happens quite often in those in the "healing" or "wellness" professions.

& it also happens a lot in the populations of those who have been abused prior, sexually, physically, emotionally.

I've very rarely spoken out about my past.

Why?

Well, because even though I have had a long list of terrible things happen to me, but I also had it pretty good on paper growing up.

And, for the longest time, talking about these felt like "trauma dumping", or self-loathing.

But the older I get, & the more into teaching I get, I'm realizing these things were truly my testimony for this work as a trauma informed yoga instructor.

I didn't just experience these things for no reason, I experienced them because they made me who I am today, gave me the toolbox to bring myself out of my own shit, & brought me to yoga - where I have the honor of supporting other women on their journeys as well.

I didn't go through these things not to talk about it.

So no, I didn't wake up on a random Tuesday & decide to turn a corner in life, things were accumulating.

I've been teaching yoga & supporting women for 8 years now. & like I said at the beginning, while my life is put together for the most part, I still find it so easy to slip back into old patterns. Old patterns that used to protect me. But these old patterns are exactly that - old.

The self-abandonment, the putting others first.

They don't serve me anymore; in the sense I'm talking about at least.

& I'm sure you've heard it; we can't give from an empty cup either.

So, here's to an era of putting ourselves first again. An era of saying no. An era of leaving the party when you're bored. An era of blocking those who abused you, or gaslit you. An era of ending conversations that feel uncomfortable.

& an era of not giving a shit if putting yourself first pisses anybody off (as long as it comes from a good intention & is done appropriately, obviously).

I think as a society we are programmed to keep the peace, or else there is something wrong with us. & that is bull shit.

When I spent 6 weeks at an ashram last year, I remember asking one of the Swami's why society often keeps the peace & doesn't speak up for what is wrong. But more so, I asked him if I was in the wrong for breaking the peace when I thought it was standing up for what was right. Because I tend to do this more than my peers, I've noticed.

He told me that oftentimes deities speak and act through us. I've always been intrigued by the deity Kali - who destroys evil & stands for what's right. The Swami further reminded me that sometimes as yogis we see things more clearly than others as well.

Not everyone has to like you.

But do you like you?

I've gotten to a point in my life where I truly questioned if I liked me.

Self-abandonment & letting people walk all over me for the sake of peace isn't a form of self-love. It isn't a form of service to others.

So, here's to the year of allowing people to dislike me, allowing people to speak bad of me, because I am allowed to like me.

________________________________

A Note:

I saw this girl on Instagram the other day talk about how therapy was making her sick, but blogging made her rich.

While I'm not out here blogging for money, this sentiment stuck with me.

Not only from the testimony perspective that I touched on earlier, but also as a creative outlet.

I have had a lot happen to me. & my brain is constantly processing it.

So, what if I channel this processing into my websites blog?

Let's try it out.

Here is Ep. 1.

Thanks for tuning in.

Love you, mean it.

Jordan