Ep. 2 The Jordan Diaries: Coming into Consciousness

I resent so many of the new age, uber spiritual people. & as I wrote the title of today's entry - "coming into consciousness" - I felt like one of them.

You know, the overly presenting, overly buzzword using, tattoo of some Peruvian pattern by their eyeball. Those kinds of people.

Well, I promise you I am not one of them, and the title refers to a different idea.

I'm currently reading The Let Them theory by Mel Robbins (well, rumor has it she stole this idea from another author, but I digress). As I was reading the chapter on letting people think badly of you, it reminded me of the vivid memory I had as a teen.

I was about 15, maybe 16 or 17. I was standing in the cafeteria. All of my friends had graduated, I indoctrinated myself early into the upper classmen, party scene due to the fact I was one of two freshmen who made varsity cheer years prior & wanted to fit in with my fellow teammates. On that day in the cafeteria, and days prior and days following, I didn't have anyone to sit with. Truly. I had exiled the girls my age for some superficial friendships with older girls. As I was scanning the cafeteria looking for a table I could squeeze into & be welcomed, I had a thought that clearly still sticks with me 15 years later... "I wonder if people talk badly about me."

TRULY, prior to that, the thought had never crossed my mind.

& this is where the consciousness part of the title comes in. Ok, maybe it's not even consciousness. It's more like societal indoctrination (I guess I really like that word today.) Society infiltrating my thought processes that I am not whole, I am not worthy, I am not enough. As if the lack of a table to sit at in the cafeteria wrapped up my self-worth in a tiny little milk carton & threw it away amongst the half-eaten sandwiches & empty bags of chips lying beneath it.

Circling back to consciousness.

I was always a fairly conscious child.

In fact, it kind of haunted me.

I vividly remember being 4 or 5 years old and looking out of my bedroom window thinking "why me?" What that meant is a story for another time, but I always had a sense of the greater structures & spiritual meanings to this life.

I often had ringing in my ear as a kid, which I have come to learn only in recent years that this can be an intuitive physical expression of alignment or danger, depending. However, when I was a kid, the only way I could make sense of it is by wondering if I was some government study and the ringing was an update in the software they put in my brain.

All this to say, I was fairly "conscious" from a young age, in my definition in this context meaning I questioned things. I questioned things about myself, how I thought, why I was placed in the family I was placed in. I questioned things.

But I never questioned the way people thought about me, or interpreted me, until that day in the cafeteria, where I was looking for a place to sit. I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that people would talk badly about me. But surely, they did. And surely, this thought would haunt me for the following 15 years which has finally led me to the Let Them Theory.

Such a peculiar thought. Others thoughts of us.

Even as I started this "Jordan Diaries" series, I thought what people would think of me.

When I started hosting retreats, I wondered what people would think of me (& still do, especially when I get some nasty reply to a promo or bad comment on Instagram).

But what if we could tap back into our childlike sense of being naive to what others thought of us. Doing what we wanted, following where we were called.

I have this theory that being wrapped up in what others think of us is societal indoctrination (not using that word for the 3rd time I promise, using it again on the basis of before). I have been called a Conspiracy Theorist from time to time (I don't believe the Earth is flat though ok?), & I wonder if indoctrinating us to worry about others opinions of judgements, keeping us small, is calculated.

Imagine a world where everyone following their calling, with no judgement.

Uncapped expression.

We would have constant new inventions, new work flows, new living systems.

Worrying about what others think of us truly do keep us small. Not only just us, but our society as a whole.

As I'm trying to tie this out, I'm not entirely sure what the punchline is. Life before indoctrination? Urging you to retreat back to your childlike yearning for life?

The Jordan Diaries aren't meant to make a ton of sense. They aren't meant to preach, or convince. They're really just a creative outlet to get my brainwaves out on paper. & if you resonate or relate to anything I say, well the more the merrier.

Because maybe spirit made my brain this way to inspire others.

Not from an ego-y, messiah way.

But in a silence keeps us disconnected kind of way.

The more we speak as a species, the more we relate to others I have found.

The more we share, the more we meet others who have gone through something similar or resonate with a way that may have made them feel lonely prior.

Anywho.

Thanks for reading.

If you got something out of this, I'd like a comment.

They're unscripted, unplanned, and truly just fingers to keyboard when I have an urge to express.

& NO AI was used to write this series. I'll admit, in a very rare occasion I'll use AI to "organize my thoughts" when I'm "in a rush". Starting to challenge myself on that lately, honestly, & drop it all together. I was so anti AI at the beginning but then everyone started using it so my productivity matching my "competitors" felt threatened. But authenticity & genuinity can't be "bought" from AI.

I digress, once again.

Love,

Jordan